It is now June 2025 and I finally dive in. I am worried how cringe it will be, or how much hasn’t aged correctly. I hope you join me on this journey of melodrama.

I press play and was I ready for the Drama, Messy Relationships Teen Angst and Cringe? NO but this is going to be one hell of a ride. And I am here for it!

Episode 1: Pilot

First of all, a couple things problematic but were not on the level of Friends or anything so I’ll “overlook” it for now if it gets worse might have to cancel this project.

First impressions – This feels so raw and nostalgic but not flawless. It was strong for a pilot unlike many shows especially of that era.

The chemistry with the leads immediately works and the characters they play work just as well.

Joey I’ll get more into as we go along but she steals every scene she is in being both awkward and brilliant and a little too self-aware for her own good. She is also a major bitch.

Dawson seems idk I think has potential especially with the movie vibes but also slightly annoying.

Jen on first glance feels like a classic disruption trope but there is clearly something there and I am here for it. She is clearly trying to get along and not just existing for drama. It feels earnest. Pacey, (I wish I liked him especially since the actor is a BC boy)

Pacey, Pacey just ewwwww can we end this storyline immediately. This is so wrong! Its like Pretty Little Liars where Aria and Ezra happened its just gross. What’s frustrating is that Joshua Jackson is so charming that it’s weirdly easy to see why they wrote it but its still inexcusable

It’s clear this show is going to be about messy feelings, complicated friendships, jealousy, identity, first love, and making everything feel more dramatic than it probably is.

I wish I was as confident as Joey (I know she is awkward but also confident) back in high school. Although she was a bitch I still relate to her a lot and might end up being my viewer stand-in character maybe. She is the type that I wasn’t like but feel like I would have wanted to be like. Like she is a bit too flirty for how I was but it is how I wanted to be. Although I wasn’t as thin or good looking as her either but how she plays the character is supposed to be more “low key, girl next door, tomboy etc” feels like my mind’s image at that age what I would have wanted to be. Katie Holmes isn’t tomboyish in real life, and Joey’s not actually that much of a tomboy if you break it down, but she performs it really well.

I had some rough rough times late teens and early 20s so might end up feeling more connected to Jen (depending on story ends up as) but I am not pretty like she is. Although Joey seems confident, its hidden confidence not, extroverted like Jen, I’m such an introvert its not even funny so that makes it hard to relate to Jen. If I was new to somewhere, I wouldn’t be making friends id be trying to be invisible.

Episode 2: Dance

The one where everyone’s horny but awkward about it.

Jen’s backstory starting to unfold especially with the backdrop of the dynamic with her grandmother. Its messy and tense, and already I can see they’re going to use religion vs rebellion as a theme. *eyeroll*

Joey continues her bitchy mood but its because she is seething in jealousy. I must admit I’ve been this way once before too with someone I was really into. It is so raw and relatable.

Pacey – Skip because eww

Dawson seems like he is swimming upstream. Doesn’t know what to do with Jen, doesn’t know how to handle Joey’s heartbreak, and still thinks his movie will solve everything.

Oh the final ending DRAMA….. How long will it take for Dawson to find out, will Joey share the news with him?

Episode 3: Kiss

This one is going to be shorter as it is more a building episode.

Restaurant Scene with “Debbie” is so cringe. I do love how her Sister’s partner Bodie and Jen were such homies for Joey.

Dawson trying to film his first Kiss is so ugh! Like Dawson, sweetie, you cannot be both auteur and romantic lead at the same time. Classic cinematic ambition sabotage. I do love how Jen immediately called it out and Dawson came clean immediately. They have a refreshingly adult conversation about things, how he is scared. Jen being worried about what if it’s a disappointment because Dawson built it up so much.

OH SHIT he recorded Persey!?!?!? This is going to blow up in everyone’s faces. Dawsons obsession with movies and “making everything cinematic” is now literally capturing a real life scandal. His fantasy world feels little does he know it is about to collide with the messiness of reality.

This is where I stop for now. I hope to fly through the show so will bundle a couple episodes together. Thoughts, improvements anything? Just no spoilers I know nothing!

Well… technically for the second time. First time was in 2015 but I was dealing with stuff so I never finished the endorsement process and the results expired. Back then it was all paper and you had to do 250 questions and 6 hour limit. Now its computerized and I did it in 125 questions total in about 40 minutes. You are given 4 hours so I was quite ahead. Due to privacy agreement I cant explain questions or whatever, just sharing the publically accessible info.

I have an endorsor already and submitted it to him. Hopefully gets approved quickly and then I’ll get the Cert.

Its a weird one because honestly it felt easy to me but I keep reading horror stories and how people study for weeks on end and failing. Maybe its my experience and background on why I found it child’s play.

Anyways its mostly so I have something when I talk and people ignore me, at least I have quantifible proof I know what I am talking about at least.

Some interesting final stats

8100 Tweets, honestly thought it would be more since 2013 but alas. The big one is 52300 accounts I blocked. I guess I did try to make it a safe place for myself as possible

Looking into a mirror on this warm June morning, a woman in her late thirties getting ready for work is surprised that a reflection is shown.  There is not an ugly one or a pretty one, nor a normal or abnormal one, just that there is one.  She does not honestly believe that mirrors never show a reflection; it is just a passing thought.

Being early June in Ontario, the signs of summer have arrived; it is warm but also has that electric feeling that summer is here.  The smell of the grass, trees and flowers radiating the air is juxtaposed with the cool evening air.  This year: “it’s 2022 already,” she thought; it feels like a smooth transition to summer rather than the sudden change that occurs most years.

Change, transition, and other words were no stranger to this woman.   Even to this day, something about those words makes her feel uneasy thinking about the past.   Painful memories of a past life, a life which is often hidden behind fronts, half-truths, and other such survival skills.   At times one could call her an actress, although she never acted professionally.   It is her past that she acted about daily.  Not out of malice but survival.

This woman is me.

In the late eighties in Scarborough near Birchmount and Danforth, the pavement was full of cracks, the buildings soulless and dreary.  It was full of diverse people, and I can still remember the smell of the food bringing back comfort – gyros, tavche gravche, borscht, pierogi, and cabbage.  Here, the groundwork for being a whole new person was seeding. 

I have always felt out of place.  I am a weird kid with a French last name, a father with a Métis background, and something else about myself, yet unknown, undiscovered.  Problems arose from the start when my parents messed up my birth certificate, so they called me by my ‘official’ middle name, the name they wanted initially.  I always was called something else all my life, and it felt odd, never indeed myself in many ways.  Each year at school, they would call my name, and I would be, “who is that” and then realize they were speaking about me.  I would have to correct them, which I had to do later in life for other reasons.

When I was at the age to start discovering crushes, we moved out to the Durham Region, my home ever since.  This area was less diverse in the early nineties; now, many of the busiest areas were nothing but farmland as far as the eye could see.  Nowadays, it reflects the county’s diversity with the influx of new residents but growing up even being different in a small way would get you singled out.  Even something silly as trying to wear my favourite pink sweater to school and the day would be ruined with ridicule and bullying.  Many days I would come home with bruises on my arms from punches.  They knew not to punch the face as it would be visible and get in trouble.

I was a latchkey kid going to school on my own, coming home to an empty house with just my sibling and myself.  I was the babysitter for us both, playing Nintendo and other stuff.  I was also fond of biking.  I would bike down to the lake frequently and spend numerous hours going along the lakeshore.  The sound of the waves hitting the rocks, the smell of the water and the sound of the geese.  It was peaceful.  I could just be lost in my thoughts, alone and with no one to care how I looked, sounded, or acted.  I was already questioning my gender but never realized it.  Why was I a “boy”?  I did not feel like one; it felt like a label someone chose, just like my name was a label someone chose and even then, it was wrong anyway.

Before I had the internet and television, I had never heard about trans rights.  If either medium did, it was always in a mocking manner.  Even when the internet arrived, I did not know anything or where to search.   I would dial in on a per-minute charge and only chat with school peeps and play video games.  

It is the late nineties now, and I was in high school.  The first time I remember exploring myself online in a game called Team Fortress Classic.  I chose a handle for myself, and it was a feminine name.  Hours and hours of playing as a scout, feeling the rush of running circles around everyone.  The sound of the jumps and the dodges.  I was just known as that handle, never as anything in my past life.  I would be the same person I always am, just with that new name.  I got promoted to a server administrator and then took over hosting one of the major servers, programming mods and setting up some cool features ahead of their time.  It was comfortable, and I was just a capable and intelligent woman that felt right at home.  No one questioned me or asked me to pass or prove anything.  It felt right, and I loved it, and from there, I started to look outward for answers.

Grade 12 and OAC years were both years when I entirely discovered myself.  I had snuck and bought a cheap Woolworth’s bra and was also able to order clothing from Sears.  I still remember the frigid air as I was nervous in the car.  Frost in the window, breath spiralling in the air as I waited for the store to open to pick up the items.  It was the winter before the holidays, and my clothes were bulky enough that I would be able to wear them under my clothes without people knowing.  I thought its what women wear, so maybe I should feel what it is like all day even if I did not need them back then.  Just another way of expressing who I was in private.  The first class of the day was calculus; I sat hoping anyone in class does not realize.  Relieved, I had continued to get clothing for the remainder of my OAC year.  Like many trans people in the early days of their journeys, I went through purges and self-doubt.  I would refresh my wardrobe after tossing it all out several times.  Did I know no one like myself?  Was I a freak?  Online forums were often heavy on the fetish side and focused less on trans issues and more on cross-dressing.  It was very sexualized, and it was not like that to me.

This was deeply in the closet era for me as I now knew who I was but did not know if there was any way out of it.  I picked up smoking to keep myself relaxed and stuff and had my first experience with pot while on a school trip to Halifax.  I still remember being in that parkade hiding from teachers and security, taking that first puff, and then hiding as much as I could as not to be discovered.  Being a band geek in school, I could be weird and still fit in.  I became known as the odd band stoner and was okay with that.  It kept people away and stopped bullying.  To get away, I applied to universities as far as I could place, like Ottawa, Carleton and Laurentian.

Carleton University, Ottawa, in 2001 was an awaking place for me.  At the start of the year, I got exposed to actual trans people.  Frosh week, we would be outside getting orientation in the late August warmth and the buzzing of the cicadas in the air.  You would hear laughter and snickers from many of the students I was always interested in.  They were not hiding!  Could I ever be that open?  I was always too shy to visit them.

A couple of weeks into the school year, I had a hidden dresser with clothing and makeup in my room.  I started wearing those regularly on private and outside walks.  I still remember the first day I outed myself to others I knew, but not intentionally.  I would only remember this day because it was the defining moment of our adulthood.   The day terrorists attacked the USA.  Being in Ottawa for it was surreal; being a nation’s capital when your neighbour was subjected to attack, security was all over, and places were locking down.  I was just out at the canals in my women’s clothes taking in the morning air and smoking weed.  I almost got caught smoking weed by an RCMP out on patrol.  I would go in the mornings because no one was around, and I could get exercise and fresh air.  When I arrived, I could hear crying as I got into the usually quiet dorm; everyone was in the television room.  No time to change went in and saw the horror.

From then on, I was out.  I ended up having a fantastic group of friends, it was hard, but I could express myself openly and was the ‘skater girl’ of the group.  I often got comments from strangers and was threatened and called names a lot.  On the other side, many women were eager to teach me makeup tips, and I was protected by my guy friends when I was with them.  I am very much into punk music, very political and often go to anti-war protests and other such events.  Going to clubs was my jam; so many raves, clubs and bars would get hit on by some guys and girls.  Did that mean I had to like guys now?  Was I a lesbian?  Was I bi?  It was a time of experimentation and growth.  Experimentation and growth are two major pieces of the bigger Pride picture.

The mid-2000s and devastation happened when I had to become the lone person in the household.  I had already moved back from Ottawa, and I was older, so it fell on me to take on having to make arrangements.  On the rainy and wet day of the funeral, I was numb with the smell of the grass and soil on that dark August afternoon.  I was never out to my family, so putting on a suit and tie was strange.  Felt unnatural.  I regret I never came out to my parents.  My mother, I suspected, already knew as she kept hinting at things.  Going as far as to tell me what she would have called me, I eventually took that name.  It felt suitable and fit, and I am forever happy with my newfound name.  Unfortunately, it was the day I also found the Oxycontin that my mother had while cleaning out her stuff.  This made sure I was entirely numb by the time of the burial.  I could not cry; I was stoic with a stiff upper lip.  I was now an orphaned adult on a long decline.  I was unsure of my place in the world or what I would become.

I became addicted.  I can still remember the bliss of the opiates as I often was a walking zombie.

This is a story of a trans druggie addict: I wake up, take medication, work, take more pills, sleep, and repeat.  I could have been a poster child for those sad stories, especially since I got into a lot of trouble; luckily, not legal problems.  I was also not entirely out in all circles, which caused lots of suffering; I tried to numb it away.  I was fully out and starting to pass completely.  The past was behind me.  It was a vicious circle in a dreamlike state.  I hooked up with a guy who I thought would take me anywhere.  Yet, being with him, I felt nothing.  No lust, no excitement when we made love, just nothing.  It was there where I learned about abuse and being in a dependent relationship that I could not escape.  It was painful and rough.  It was there that I discovered I was lesbian.  It ended on the first of my trips to the hospital.  I was hurt, destroyed, and caused a lot of my future insecurities.  Spiralling alone, I got worse; it took me to trip number two – overdosed, almost dead.  [family hearing this for the first time: sorry I never told you!  I am sorry I was a stupid girl back in the day].

I got clean on willpower and determination as I wanted to be all right.  I was determined to succeed and overcome.  I did it, and I will not even take Codeine or anything opioid-based to this day.  I did not become another trans statistic which is so common in our communities.  Pride has often been when I reflect on how lucky I was to survive those dark days.

This was around the time I found some fantastic people in my life playing World of Warcraft.   I was clean, got my life together and was the happiest I was in a long time.   Both outside and online, I could be open.  Passing was frequently happening, and there were people I knew in person who I would go out for drinks with or talk to, never knowing my past at all.  To them, I was no different from any other woman.  With this going on, I had to tell my family.  I love the support my Sibling and one of my closest Cousins provided.  They were my rock.  Family and Found Family a big part of Pride.

At that point, I had changed my name legally.  I read up on my law and submitted all the paperwork, including the one that exempted my name change from being reported in the Ontario Gazette.  By then, laws were getting changed and processes more manageable.  No longer did one have to visit one or two specific doctors to transition with huge waitlists of years.  Family doctors can now start or refer elsewhere if they do not have the expertise, as mine did.  My family doctor worked to get me referred to a fantastic doctor in Toronto who prescribed hormones, and I began to become the real me.

I can still remember smelling the Spiro mint for the first time, the taste of the sweet estrogen and feeling the rush that was the start of my journey.  Several years later, my birth certificate gender was changed.  I remember seeing that “F” for the first time, and a feeling of warmth swept through my body. 

I am now out full-time and have been for quite a few years.  Many people offline and online-only know me by Caitlin.  They do not know of my past life; all I need to do is smile and be me hiding what I left behind.  It is like coming out of the closet, celebrating it, and now I want to hide the closet was even there in the first place.  It is also continued self-exploration.  Recently, a fantastic friend and I shared some great memories.  One of the regrets of that time was not being open to them about who I was. This is the struggle of many trans people.  Do you tell people who you were if they love the real you already?  At this point in my life, I have been out for many years; it almost feels like the past is not relevant.  [If you read this, I am sorry I never told you.  I hope you do not hate me].  I questioned if I was lesbian and might be bisexual instead.  This is another idea to explore; it might be just one specific person.  I was evolving and exploring myself.  These are some fundamental aspects of the answer to the meaning of pride.

Looking again into a mirror on this warm June morning, a woman in her late thirties ready for work is no longer surprised that a reflection is shown.

So, with all these experiences, what does Pride mean to me?  It means being proud of who I am and overcoming all challenges to be the person I am.  Most of all, it is remembering the past and what brought me here.  It may be dark and sad, but it is also beautiful.  It also is a protest for those that want to make our lives harder.  They cause people not to have easy access to be themselves.  It is a time to show solidarity against forcing them to go through the hardships I went through or worse.  Pride is also a time to show love to your family and friends who keep you safe.  Last, of all, it is about the experiences in life, the experimentation, and the constant change in life.

This 2022 Pride stands for everyone!

Caitlin (Bellyria) @caitlinbellyria

Happy Pride, everyone!